A Drunk Gambler’s Guide To Betting This WeekendNoah Williams
There is nothing better than a weekend of playoff sports and drinking. Make sure you stock-up your bar and study up because I’m here with your weekend betting guide! Basketball and hockey playoffs are in full swing! There’s some baseball out there too and if that’s not enough, a bunch of guys are getting in a cage and punching each other in the face! Let’s get to this weekend’s best action.
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS over Houston Rockets (Friday – 10:30pm)
You want to stay sober? Try taking a shot every time there’s a defensive stop in a game between Portland and Houston. Neither team can play defense and watching these offense-heavy teams run up and down the court at such a torrid pace is nauseating. If you’re the type of old fashioned drunk that hates it when teams don’t lock down on defense, this is the perfect game for you (if you also love screaming at your television).
ATLANTA HAWKS +2.0 over Indiana Pacers (Saturday – 2pm EST)
The crowd chanted “overrated” as the Hawks blew Indiana out of the water on Thursday night in a 98-85 victory that gave them a 2-1 SU edge in the series and I tipped my glass to the dogs in this race before slamming it on the table. Like most idiots out there, I had backed the Pacers and I am so done with them. I’m selling them down the damn river!
Where’s the toughness that defined these Indiana Pacers last year? Where’s all that “look at us we’re the best team in the Eastern Conference” attitude? Where’s that swagger all the kids were talking about? What in the blue hell happened to Paul George as a LeBron Killer?
More important question – what the hell have these guys accomplished? A defensive player of the year? A couple All-Stars? Whoop-dee-freaking-do! This collection of talent on Indiana has won just as many titles as you are me – zero! They didn’t even win the most games in the NBA this year! I’ve been force fed false profits and false prophets before and I’m not chewing on these damn Pacers anymore. That’s right – they’re fakes! Imposters! Posers! INDIANA LOOOOSERS!
If you take nothing else from my weekend betting guide, then take this and shove it in to your cram hole: the Pacers are nothing more than a bunch of losers.
They’ve been blown out by the only team in the entire playoffs that DIDN’T FINISH ABOUT .500!!! Why am I still ranting about this?!?!?!
UFC Middleweight Championship Fight – Jones -475 over Teixeira +350
Nothing satisfies my drunk blood lust more than mixed martial arts. What a dumb sport. Either they’re hugging each other on the ground in their under pants are cracking each other’s jaws with knees and fists! Sounds a lot like my second marriage.
Anytime the UFC puts on an event, it’s an automatic entry in my weekend betting guide, but this sport still grinds my gears. The one thing I despite about the UFC is the ever screaming hype machine. You can practically hear Joe Rogan at UFC 172 yelling in your face that THIS GUY IS LEGIT every time there’s a build to a fight.
There are a few moments where I am pumped about a fight, but there are many more where I feel like I’m being sold a professional wrestling pipe bomb. GLOVER TEXIERA IS THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS! BELIEVE THE WORDS I’M YELLING AT YOU THROUGH THE TELEVISION!
Listen, Glover’s a great fighter but Jon Jones is a legend in the making. You can just tell when you watch him. He has a bunch of game changing, physical advantages (like his ungodly reach) and there’s really only one fighter on the planet that can match up well against him in a fight. Glover has a puncher’s chance…just like you or I would if we stepped in the ring with the champ. Don’t believe the hype. Bet Jones to demolish the challenger.
St. Louis Blues over CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS (Sunday – 3pm EST)
Let’s skip tonigh’s game 5 and talk Sunday’s game 6.
No weekend betting guide is complete at this time of year without some playoff hockey. This has been the outright best series of the first round, and even if you don’t know jack about puck, this is a series you can gobble up on a Sunday afternoon as you try to convince yourself that you’ll just “have a few bloody mary’s”.
I prefer the Blues because they already took my money in the futures market so yeah, I have a vested interest here already. But if you consider yourself a real gambler, then get in on this Sunday’s game. Playoff hockey is the best. If you don’t watch it (even a little) you’re not a real sports fan. It’s guys hurling themselves at each other on a sheet of ice with knives stuck to their feet! What more could you ask for?!
MILWUAKEE BREWERS over Chicago Cubs (ALL WEEKEND)
You want to really swing for the fences? Then take the Brewers against the Cubs as a runline play through the weekend. You might drink yourself in to an early nap trying to tolerate the Cubs playing baseball (yup – they’re still terrible!) but the Brewers have been blasting people left, right and center through the first quarter of the season and the Cubs love losing by a lot. They’ve lost seven games in their last 10 and all of them have been by two runs or more. My weekend betting guide has the Brewers sweeping the Cubs and making them look like patsy’s the entire way through.